Men, Women and a Bit About Bridenapping

As is often case in well-organized well-intended efforts at liberation, the Soviet campaign to free women from the bonds of tradition resulted in the freedom as well as the responsibility to earn a wage while maintaining the home. Feminism is a dirty word in Russia as well as in many of the Russified areas of Central Asia.
In more rural areas, gender practices have maintained stability. Men go out and work, women stay home and work. But economics and social expectations have brought dissatisfaction to this arrangement as well, for somewhat different reasons.
There was not much in the way of monetarily productive work in the periphery where I stayed Kyrgyzstan. Most of the families had herds grazing on the shores near the encampment. Once the animals had been accounted for, perhaps moved to a new area, occasionally a sheep selected for a feast, there seemed to be little to be done of much productive value. So the men played cards, a less-complex local version of backgammon, hung out and, on some days, stepped out frequently to share a bottle of vodka. All of the men smoked. Accompanying the men, but not participating, were a few youngsters from the area, not enrolled in school for whatever reason.
The women, meanwhile, could take no rests on account of the unprofitability of their work. Food had to be prepared, dishes washed, houses cleaned and tidied regularly. The women also rarely, if ever, partook in any drinking. On one occasion, during a non-religious feast, a couple of the young wives drank a shot of vodka along with the husbands. “It helps when eating mutton,” they explained as they encouraged me to drink and eat up. I obliged and obliged again.
The main house duties assumed by the men were slaughtering and butchering the sheep (though the small cuts and cleaning of organs was done by the women) and getting water.
I ended up spending more time with the women at home as I studied written Kyrgyz and grammar. Also I could not figure out the card game they played with a half-deck (we have this home too but I still don’t know it) and drinking vodka all afternoon most every afternoon held little appeal. Their take on their role amounted to resentful resignation. This was more strongly communicated to some of the female tourists that visited. The women did not like the fact that the men drank, but they understood it and could offer no happy alternative activity. They didn’t like having to work all day while the guys hung out with their friends but again saw no workable alternative
Resignation to ones fate, and making the best of it, was something of a theme. Many, if not all, of the women at Song Kul entered into their marriage by being bridenapped.
In more rural areas of Kyrgyzstan it is common for a man to get a wife by bridenapping. Usually they meet incidentally though sometimes he may be enogh impressed with her reputation and appearance to be smitten and decide to make a wife of her. This is done by taking the girl, usually between 18 and 23 years old, off the street and bringing her back to your house. Once she has arrived at the house, the family of the husband is often there. The wife to be is put in a room and not allowed out but offered every amenity and show of hospitality possible. Once she has stayed a night in the house of the man, it is socially taboo for her to do anything but marry. If she does not, it is highly stigmatizing. Virginity, or at least the social perception of virginity, looms large.
Bridenapping in Kyrgyzstan is not without controversy. It is very rare among the well-to-do in Bishkek and much less common among the middle and lower classes of the capital city. People are aware that bridenapping is “traditional” and “not modern.” Sometimes it is aped by well-established couples before marriage for a romantic show and in acknowledgement of tradition. Some of the most outspoken defenders of the practice are often older women, often who were bridenapped themselves. The recently abducted bride and her husband live with the husband’s parents and family until the younger brother marries. The new wife takes on the responsibilities of taking care of the household. The mom may still help out, but the bulk of the labor goes to the young bride. They point to the fact that a higher proportion of marriages which began with bridenapping stay together for life – about double the percentage of voluntary marriages(what Europeans and North Americans would consider normal).
The women at Song Kul talked about how you have to stay with your husband, even if you don’t really love him, and make the best of it. Families are very strong in Kyrgyzstan – beyond any doubt the unchallenged core of society. So marriage is about kids and family. Happiness comes not from romance or from an outstanding husband-wife bond, but from seeing lots of kids grow up. One of the first questions one exchanges in meeting someone new is if they are married and how many children he/she has. Being married is good, not being married leads to questions about when and to whom or what sort of person you will be married. Having more children is a good. Being middle aged with only one or two kids is acceptable not will not receive any accolades.
The hostess said the bit about staying with your husband regardless of how you feel in front of his mom. She nodded her head in thoughtful agreement. There was little joy at the prospect but security in knowing that this is how things are done and that happiness and fulfillment come with hard work and time.
There is much to be said for skepticism of the fairytale of endless romance constantly repeated and transmitted by European and North American cultures. I would not say that bridenapping is necessarily the answer, but it might be a good start.