America the Insatiable

Census statistics put the average house hold income in the US at 46-odd thousand dollars. Much of the resentment towards the US focuses on our wealth. It is right to question such a concentration of resources. What is the purpose of accruing so much?

I do not think that it is inherently wrong to be wealthy (by American or world standards) but it does deserve reflection and examination. Too often it seems that becoming wealthy is an ends in and of itself. Money buys things. But if all of our consumption is an ends in and of itself surely the aggregation of wealth by Americans is a hollow pursuit.

For too many people in the world a little bit of material wealth would make a huge difference in their quality of life. So don't waste wealth. Put it to good, noble use.

Much of the criticism of Islamists is that America is the home of the greedy who consume regardless of consequence in an ideological vacuum. I think that this aspect of their spite may be well deserved. After the fall of the ultra-powerful totalitarian state, freedom has become an end in itself and perhaps a justification for overabundance. It's time to find reorient ourselves as individuals towards a greater purpose and ask ourselves as a society, "What do we stand for?"

The Case for a New Detente

Comparisons between Islamism and other rejected ideologies of the past century are in vogue right now, but perhaps not for the right reasons. Only through introspection and reform did the West confront Communism and Fascism without glaring hypocrisy and Islamism originated in the late imperial period of the latter 19^th and early 20^th century like the two previous powerful anti-hegemonic (a hegemon being a regional or world power, the main rule maker if you will) ideologies, Communism and Fascism. While ordinary people in places like Egypt were unable to break out of the cycle of poverty, enriched Europeans seemed to abound. Muslim political philosophers, especially in Egypt and the Middle East, saw their governments as serving the interests of the European empires rather than the nations they claimed to represent. The correct response, according to the Islamists, was to return to the tenets of Islam (from which the rulers had obviously strayed).

The puppet governments did not take kindly to this criticism. As Islamist ideology became more widespread the governments became more fearful that it might pose a threat to their rule and oppressed it vigorously. This, in turn, only added fuel to the Islamist critique by heaping injustice atop injustice. It also lent credibility to the more radical factions that preached that only radical, perhaps violent, action could reverse this dismal state of affairs. This radical movement evolved throughout the 20^th century relatively under the radar because the West had its hands full with Communism, a more threatening critique at the time.

The US justified support of thoroughly repressive, corrupt and inept regimes throughout the Muslim world within the context of the Cold War. As that threat has faded there was no moral justification for the support of tyrants that did little more than keep Communist influence at bay. Unfortunately, there have been many economic enticements. These same dictators that squelched political dialogue (including the radical left) also proved adept at keeping the oil taps open.

We are addicted to oil. It makes our economy run. Any rise in oil prices would disrupt our economies. So stability became more valuable than reform (and the truthfully chaotic upheaval that often precedes it) at home as well as overseas. We would tacitly support any government that gave us oil and we would happily invest billions to bring the black gold to us from the other side of the globe.

We chose then to both actively and passively support governments that enriched themselves while the country decayed. Development economists call this the Dutch Disease. Nations flush with easy oil money have no incentive to create more three dimensional economies. They rely on imports for every kind of good, from supercomputers to basic foodstuffs. The wealth concentrates in the hands of few while price appreciation drives up the cost of living. The result is an unwieldy polarization between the extremely rich and the hopelessly poor. This creates inherent political instability. The political instability breeds repressive regimes.

Under repressive and corrupt regimes drastic reform becomes obviously necessary. Radical militants often struggle to achieve it. As the regime responds harshly against both the militants and the reform movements from which the militants splintered the position of the militants becomes stronger. The government makes the case for revolution on their behalf in trying so desperately to prevent it. The US has consistently backed the parasitic states rather than reformers under the pretext of stability. We have done so in Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq and Nigeria to name a few. That all of these places seem to be hotspots for Anti-Americanism is no wonder.

By owning up to our addiction to oil, committing ourselves to eliminate it, and accepting the criticisms for our role in creating these despotic regimes we can isolate militants from the moderate majority. Enduring some painful transition periods in the short term will also create a much more stable globe over the long term.

Lenin/Stalin, Hitler, and Mao did not emerge from a historical vortex to wreak havoc against Democratic freedom lovers. We have to own up to our part in producing violent critiques of the global system. We have no tolerance for terrorism but seem to have an infinite patience for the environments that produce it.

We should accept Islamist governments that govern peacefully while pushing for democratic reforms. The principle demand of the Iranian regime is that we recognize Iran as an Islamic Republic and end our rhetoric of regime change. If the world superpower were Iran demanding regime change in the US and the US a far weaker nation with a long history of being run over imperial powers, we might want the bomb too.

I believe that the fundamentals of the Democratic market-oriented system are the best in the world today. Without a boogey-man US to stir up nationalist fears, many Islamists would likely find themselves quite isolated from discontent reform minded citizens. Moving to 100% energy sustainability would eliminate the structural enticements for propping up the despots that create terrorists. It would also create new technologies and industries that would be a valuable export.

There is a place for an offensive strategy against security threats but we must simultaneous evaluate why these threats arise and eliminate those circumstance. Our drive for economic growth must be tempered by recognition of the consequence (especially over the long term) of our actions.

Up next: The Ideological Critique

Post-modern Imperial Cycles

There is a poetic justice in the challenge that rising economies pose to the West. Countries formerly conquered, colonized and/or dominated by Western powers have transformed humiliation into motivation. In some ways this transformation is a direct result of colonization. Colonization, incidentally or maliciously, was at a fundamental level an exercise in extracting wealth and suppressing the Local. Unsurprisingly, its legacy is nations in disarray. The colonized people recognized this and took steps to remedy the situation, struggling for independence. The anti-imperial ideology most successful at organizing and struggling for independence during the peak of decolonization was Marxism. Once nations like China and Vietnam had shown the Europeans and Americans the door they went about ridding themselves of the colonial past, adopting Marxism or another anti-establishment economic and political structure.

These nations became progressively poorer and generally left behind when compared to the West. After a few decades it became increasingly clear that there were limits to the growth attainable by isolating one's nation from the innovative dynamic West. And now that their political identity had been established and affirmed by years of perhaps rabid anti-Western rhetoric, they could approach the global economy on their own terms and as independent nations.

The very dysfunctional nature of most of the anti-imperial reactionary political economy movements has given these countries a great advantage: free license to reform, to improve by learning from others and innovate when necessary. This general pattern holds true for Vietnam, Eastern Europe, Ireland, India, China, and South Korea. The hardship of dysfunctional economies or government allows people to see opportunity once finally present.

Conversely, the relative ease of living that is the standard today in rich countries of the world breeds complacency. This does mean that people in the West should be singularly driven to work and achieve, burn out and live two-dimensional lives. Still, recognition of the existence of adversity as an opportunity for the spirit, a necessary ingredient for improvement of self and community, is important. Happiness allows people to work better, once you sacrifice too much happiness, you cannot perform at the highest levels.

It is not unlikely that Iraq, in whatever form it exists in 30 years, will be a hub for growth, renewal and hope. Once the hatred has scorched the people for long enough it will leave a fertile desire for stability, decent governance and economic growth. It will likely be an violent interim too evil and ugly to justify the outcome. But then the outcome may be worth any sacrifice. That is the tragic paradox of the post-imperial condition. Unnecessary sacrifice and suffering seems to be an unavoidable stepping stone to future prosperity. There is no equation to equalize suffering and prosperity. To even attempt to justify one with the other would be righteous folly. Even God would have no right to transfer one individual’s extreme suffering for future happiness.

Looking at events in the world today it is apparent how the imperial legacy affects our world. Peru has moved closer to Chilean-style politics as Chavez pushes Mercosur away from the US. Journalists in China debate their right to openly debate within the CCP state; the clock is ticking on the one-party state. The WTO Doha Trade Round collapsed as rich countries are afraid to change and open up their economies to the developing world of cheap labor and agriculture. Were the publics of the rich world better informed, they would be more afraid of the political, economic and ideological consequences of exploitation and the status-quo than of jarring change. Iraq moves closer to all-out-civil war as people cling to the arbitrary borders bequeathed by the British Empire. Somalia moves toward a doomed but probably necessary experiment in self-determination as Islamists gain ground against CIA-backed parasitic warlords. If you were a Somali, you too would probably welcome the Islamists. Iranian Islamists want the bomb so that they can command respect and independence. So many former colonies not yet at peace with themselves and their place in the world.

These situations are important enough that they each demand dialogue in their own right yet most Americans probably are completely unaware of more than a couple of these events. Even regarding Iraq and Iran, while people are broadly aware of the situation right now they are unaware of the historical context of today’s situation. Contrary to what cable news would have us believe, current events do not exist in a historical vacuum. Before people reach conclusions about the propriety of one US policy or another it is their duty to inform themselves of as much of the whole truth as possible.

In the next post I will try to summarize what I know of the relative context of the Islamist critique of the world order. Here is a teaser: it goes a little deeper than ill-educated religious fanatics that hate freedom. Please comment, correct and reveal the gaping holes in my logic.

Technology, Jobs and International Economics of Political Consequence

She'll have the skills to pay your bills

The big "oh yeah" realization that seems to be going around these days is the decentralization of information. Any one with a laptop can do what I am doing now, upload information for others to soak up. It will be far easier to fill your mind than fill your pocket book in the future. (Unfortunately it will likely continue becoming easier than ever to empty both to boot). The fallout from this brave new reality is that the grunt work for white-collar services is out-sourceable.

Globalization in the 1990s changed the nature of the nation's economy as manufacturing jobs fled abroad to low-wage, skilled and motivated workers. The prospect of the same process overtaking much of the service industry rich nations like ours have come to rely upon is unsettling.

Many people's first reaction is to raise barriers. With the prospect of so much change coming on so quickly it’s only natural to want to stop the flood. I believe that the recent interest in immigration was manifestation of these anxieties though it proved a poor substitute for open discussion of the tectonic changes occurring in global economics and politics. Trying to erect barriers to put our economy and society into a static stability would be disastrous for the nation as well as each individual. As call centers and IT "information supply-chain management"- type works move to India and China we must adapt.

Historians have never praised a society for erecting barriers and trying to shut out the outside world. Open societies that engage with their neighbors, learn, compete and improve grow to be robust, dynamic and resilient. Isolationism breeds brittle, inefficient and decadent stasis. The first hoarse coughs of a decaying nation originate in the impulse to "keep things the way they were, because we were strong then."

Out of challenge and adversity should come inspiration and success. We must recognize the rise of India, China and other developing countries as a great challenge and a great opportunity. As engineers in China and India learn to master information systems of the rich countries, it is our opportunity to define the next generation of opportunity.

This realization, to me, is something that is fundamentally missing from the US today, especially among the young people whom will be required to face this challenge (and are best equipped to succeed in doing so). People are rich, so they know that they don't have to do anything unpleasant to lead comfortable live. Comfortable, predictable, boring, lazy, wasteful, obese lives. But rather than choosing comfort one can choose and commit to a life of exploration, innovation and challenge. We have the opportunity to define ourselves in any way we choose because we are fortunate enough to have the resources. The reality, however, is that it is hardly an option. A difficulty in recognizing this reality is that in the past, it was good enough to get good at a profession, do good work and live well in a rich society. All of those skills that already exist can be taught to eager young people from societies hungry for the chance to work hard (harder, longer and cheaper than you or I). The only way to compete with that is not to compete at all, but find something new.

A young person in China knows what she must do to improve her life and the life of her family: get educated in a useful trade and work at that trade. A young person in the US has no such clarity of vision for the future. That is because we must define ourselves in unique ways that have not been explored yet.

So travel the world, learn languages, become proficient within another culture, explore the boundaries of a scientific field, or new ways to apply old knowledge. It is a daunting task. But it is one with literally limitless potential for growth through challenge, learning and teaching. And America's young people are uniquely placed to do it.

Two things always baffle me. First, when people know what they want to do with their lives. To have one's life already written seems to take all of the fun out of living. Life becomes a series of tasks to achieve a set ends. The second is when people don't have anything they want to do after school. Rather than asking a good question and exploring it, they want an easy answer. It’s not the answer that's important, it’s exploring the question.

Most college graduates are uniquely positioned in that if they put some effort into it, they can go anywhere and do anything. It is your obligation to yourself and others to do so. There is no such thing as wasting time as long as you keep learning from your experiences.

It's the power to write the next chapter, change the world, blaze a trail, find yourself, and love humanity. It's enlightenment and purpose. It’s the obligation to be unique and define yourself thoughtfully. To not be excited by that opportunity is unimaginable.

It's always scary to let go, even when you know can't hold on forever. But scarier still is the prospect of trying to survive statically.

Managing such a monumental adaptation is a task that could never be done well enough. But the vision still inspires. I believe that most people do not see and that is why they are scared.

THERE IS NO END TO LEARNING.

You Can't Do Everything, Just Anything

August 6th - Sadly now, the shadow of the end of the trip has grown tall on the group. We do not constantly talk about it but it feels like time to wrap things up. I am very glad the mountains here are spectacular or it would be hard for us to stay in any way grounded in the present. Though its mostly a mental thing, the reality that we can't eat as much as we want now but soon we will be able to each as much as our stomachs can hold only pushes our concentration towards the van a and the grocery store beyond.

For my part, I have been considering some large-as-life choices in front of me. They boys with me will wrestle with selecting a college and the possibility of going on a 40+ day arctic backpacking trip. I am not even sure which choices I should choose to make. Not, which school? But, do I want more school? Not, can I find a job? But, what job should I look for?

I have thought about med-school, regional expertise, academia, linguistics, wilderness guiding and every combination thereof. Life is too damn short. I could easily fill the lives of four or five people that are wasting theirs… but enough of righteous indignation. I feel the capacity to do anything, I just can’t do everything. Up to now, being a good leader on this trip gave me purpose and identity. Lead a damn good trip; that’s who I was and what I would do. Before that I was a student. Anyway, damn good or now it’s done now. I don’t feel so great at anything right now.

I could try to lead more trips; try to open more people’s eyes to a more substantial, less constructed reality. It seems limiting somehow though, financially as well as professionally. I could travel and learn about people and places to fill in the great gaps in human understanding. But to do that alone daunts me. Medicine attracts me because it’s a sure thing… after you sacrifice the most flexible years of your life and consent to work in the US’s mess up medical regime.

It would seem a wash. Maybe the pre-set paths are too limiting: not enough challenge, too lonely or too much rigidity. Perhaps EMT-level medical knowledge would satiate my thirst for capacity to act in a tough spot. I like the prospect of sharing skills and enlightening perspectives with young people. To merge running a business/NGO with education and foreign cultural experiences really excites me. Something like a fair trade wool cooperative in Patagonia or traditional textile producers in Guatemala or Kyrgyzstan would be so rewarding (probably because the complications would be endless). Sounds like a good idea to me, especially with friends like mine.

Something about the idea however reminds me painfully of schemes to live on a ranch and ride ponies through college professed by Peter Skold’s girlfriend of 13 on our BWCA trip 9 years back.

When I think about my friends though from college, Widji and home I can’t help but feel less anxious about these parental voices in my head. With so many fantastic, talented and motivated people to turn to, I would be hard pressed not to find some amazing projects to apply myself too.

Earlier I wrote, “Waking up each day here is spiritually uplifting (whether on trail, in camp or on the road). The possibilities of everyday for fun, learning and reflection are unrivaled. It’s living each day as if it were your last. There is no better use of my time, especially as I help pass the sensation on to others.”

It is not what you want to do, but how you want to do it, that matters most.

August 5th, Sunrise Sunrise

Brief note, the sunrise pictured is of Fenske Lake (Minnesota), not Montana

Froze-to-Death Peak, MT - Woke up and spied a sunrise today. I have seen a good number of sunrises and yet the beauty and magnificence of each moment (as well as the profundity of the event) will never cease to fill me with awe and wonder. We worked hard to get up here and now we can see as far across the plains to the East and the mind's eye could have imagined. Now I sit on a gentle peak after hobbling half a mile at 5am. I will hang out with goats all day. Another weekday. God, I hate Wednesdays.

Sunrises are marvelous. The intrinsic reason that all marvels are so marvelous is because you have to work and perhaps suffer to be in the right place for experience. It seems that difficulty is equal to the reward in most hikes of life. The more you push yourself (sanely) the more content you may be. Maybe.

It has come to the point that I am almost always most satisfied when the body is uncomfortable. I was downright giddy last night as the wind howled rain, snow and sleet down on us. I felt alive.
Tomorrow I will sleep outside, make coffee in the pre-dawn glow and set out to watch the sunrise with cup of joe in hand. I think this has the potential to be one of the best mornings of my life.

It’s so damn easy to get yourself together here and be happy. Is the city spiritual fasting? A place where devoid of the opportunity to settle into a centered being you learn to value the spiritual feast of solace? Are the wilderness trips binges in a sea of self denial or just brief visits to an oasis on along a long harsh journey?

Waking up each day here is spiritually uplifting (whether on trail, in camp or on the road). The possibilities of everyday for fun, learning and reflection are unrivaled. It’s living each day as if it were your last. There is no better use of my time, especially as I help pass the sensation on to others.

As we sipped coffee after the sunrise, Chas asked me if I felt connected with the mountains. I said I did and that I think (after some reflection) that it’s a good thing. I feel home in the high hills, never wishing to be somewhere else. I look forward to the pleasures and comforts here (sleeping dry and warm in the tent, eating dinner, eating breakfast, dessert) not back or forward to pleasure far away (like sleeping in a bed or relentlessly craving foods not available on trail). On many occasions I do look forward to coming off trail and eating until I am completely satisfied, fresh fruit and old friends, but I remember that whenever I have those things I look fondly to the simplicity of life in a place like this. I get nostalgic.

August 4th, Goats

Last night mountains goats continued to trip over our tent guide lines. The resulting shudder, stumble and bleat were not sleep-inducing. To those goats who stole my rest I offer this, (read yelling and in a French accent) "Hey goat! Hey! I've got something to say to you! Your father fucked a goat and your mother got fucked by a goat! Think about that tonight."

Mountain goats really like salt. They like salt so much that they follow you around when you move away from whatever you were doing for this is what you do before you pee. When you pee they come within three feet of you and start lapping it up like there is no tomorrow. Then a big one comes over and scares away the entrepreneur that discovered the precious pee in the first place. With a resigned bleat, the prospector scampers off to make room for the big boy. It gets hard working for the man. Drink coffee, pee. Drink water, pee. Eat dinner, read a book, pee. Sleep, pee. The man's just about working me to death.

Damn the man.

July 30th - Trail, Hunger and Mentoring

At dinner tonight I threw the big question out there: what brings you back? Despite the fact that I had given the guys notice since day 1 that this question would be coming, I had trouble articulating it in a new way. So I made everyone speak first so I could steal their idea and disguise paraphrase for original authorship. Many of the guys said that on trail they felt free to be themselves, enjoyed the friendliness and getting to know people really well in such a short period (the intimacy). Dan mentioned how the trips give him a sense of unique identity in his inner-city school. Chas spoke to how these trips taught him how to live (the true value of a thing vis-à-vis the superficial pleasure usually derived from material things) and how not to escape life. Following that up, Tom offered that after last year's trail experience he put a sign on his door that reads "Don't Forget to Challenge Yourself Today" (inspired by the Don't Forget to Wash Your Hands' signs in many restrooms). It’s good to see the guys practicing meticulous life-hygiene.

Charlie described a moment of epiphany related to being on trail. He realized that his father owns a small business and yet he knows next to nothing about running it. He wants to learn. It seems obvious but he had to step back to soak up the insight and realize the opportunity and his interest. Trail gave him that insight. It’s amazing the possibilities that linger under our noses all our lives without recognition.

I finally came up with a new way of putting these ideas that describe what trail life has to offer. Trail makes me hungry, for food as well as intellectual and spiritual sustenance. I do my best to eat well on trail, satisfying the cravings is a pleasure like no other. But when I cannot resolve the drive to consume food, facts or philosophy on trail, I am driven to consume when I get off. The rawness of living life constantly in the moment allows "idleness" to reap great rewards. Far from useless, the time to reflect is infectious and addictive among a trail group. I become drive to learn new languages, read books, love music and sharpen my body to do new things. Generally I am driven to live life hard. The feeling that I have great influence over my destiny and that anything is possible in a most inspiring kind of high.

Armed with knowledge, the means, the confidence and will to affect any dream, I will happily be a busy man. But that very busyness is a sham. Stress is our society is most often optional. One only has to look back far enough to see where the decision way made to be overwhelmed. In the blank space of a life, most people have the power to find whatever they want. Why not find happiness?

As long as I was rambling along these lines and circles, Eric asked a fantastic question: "What is it like to spend your summers with highschoolers?"

I replied that young folks (juveniles) are like Jello waiting to set in the mold. Seeing them adapt, change and define themselves is pretty great for a number of reasons. Being around young people that are literally growing in front of your eyes is a powerful reminder that you too are capable of change and growth. Adults, practically by definition, are largely a finished product, static creature. This is not all bad. In fact, in many ways it is necessary. It also is quite limiting... as stability and wisdom becomes stubbornness and habit. Being around youth reminds that I cannot possibly have it all figured out. Consequently I should always assess my beliefs, values interests and goals.

Also, working with younger folks gives me the chance to impart on them some of the beliefs, values, interests and goals that seemed to work alright for me. Finally, there are just the moments of transcendence that occur on trail, especially with younger campers that are simply so beautiful and remarkable that they are justification enough in their own right. The "wow, I have never been somewhere this beautiful," "I never realized how nice silence can be," "when I go home I am going to take on challenges that I intimidated me before" or "I feel like I am not the same person I was before this trip. I changed. I can't say how, but I feel it." I have heard kids say each of those things. Each is so powerful (and to say it to a guy you have only known for a week!) that I would not miss the opportunity for anything.

So these things bring me joy. I feel such ecstasy of purpose and contentment that my whole life and the whole world feel alright.

I will sleep outside tonight. I think coffee makes me corny. Tonight I had 3 cups.

July 21st - Of Angful Topographical Encounters

Okay, I promise that not all of the blog entries are going to be these lackluster attempts at discovering the meaning of life but I want to catch up to the present so I am going to continue with old journal entries.

As we came over the Beartooth Pass before the wreck I began to notice that an absurd number of decisions in my life have been based on my ability to access mountains. First off, I spent five summers from middle school all the way through high school backpacking with Widji. By the last couple of years I was working part-time at REI to make funding the trip experience easier. After a 42 day backpacking expedition to ANWR the summer after senior year of high school (the culmination of those camper years) I headed to the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Washington. I did not decide that I wanted to spend four years hiking the cascades and then look for a school nearby; I really did like the feel of campus. But the proximity to Rainier and all of the other hiking, climbing and mountaineering nearby probably pushed UPS above some other similar schools.

I studied abroad in Chile. Foremost I wanted to speak Spanish but if could do some mountain scaling on the side... all the better, right? Then I went to Russia which is not the obvious place to go for mountains. But if you want to travel in Central Asia, home to some of the less explored and most spectacular ranges in the world, you better know some Russian. My independent study projects in both countries centered around austere mountain regions and how people got by economically under such circumstance. Maybe I was looking for a formula to adopt for myself. Last January I traveled to Bolivia with Chris Andree and Ella Brown. There are mountains and it’s cheap. This year I am heading to Kyrgyzstan to work with kids in the mountains. Finally, every summer since that ANWR trip I have gone back to Widji where I would be called a "backpacker" (not a canoer) though I lead both types of trips.

This pattern should have been obvious but it was so integral to my decision making that I never reflected upon it. So now I am struggling to answer the question: what is it about the mountains that draws me? Do I go to these places because of the mountains or do they just tip the scale? Regardless, it seems to be the deciding factor. Is putting all of this time and energy into going to the mountains a good thing?

The last reason any one should do anything is because of inertia. That's boring. Boring is dumb.

So, it seems that I am quite smitten with the mountains. Okay, a 10 year plus often long- distance-relationship amounts to a little more than a crush. I have had and am having a passionate love affair with mountains. Justification enough for otherwise irrational actions... but at least with a person there is a hope that the special gal in your life can love you in turn. Maybe, build something with the loving foundation. Even brotherly love is a give and take. So what do I give and what do I take from the hills?

This is likely as close as I will ever come to knowing the relationship that so many people share with their god. Just before the trip I wrote to my Grandmother (AKA Nana), reassuring her that the wilderness was my means of spirituality after she confessed concern for my inability to be sheparded by the Lord. I meant the analogy to comfort her, but the similarity may be closer to the trip that I am comfortable with or than I can really comprehend, knowing only one half of the analogy. This makes me uncomfortable because I tend to be very skeptical about religious belief; it seems to me to function more for the believer than as an independent truth. Arranging my life around such beliefs would thus be to settle for a less than satisfactory answer to so many important questions. I would rather never know and always search.

This discomfort led me to an uncomfortable hypothesis. Is it possible that my relationship with the Alpine is some sort of a substitute for the failure in my personal life to find that quintessential dynamic romance? Would I shape my life around one person as I have shaped it around snowy summits? Or do I feel incapable, afraid. I choose a love that can't reject me. If that is the case, it does not bode well for the growth of love with any non-topographical characters. The lousy fear of incapacity would put unneeded pressure on any semi-successful romantic relationship.

An amusing pessimistic thought is that I revel in sharing my passion for the hills with adolescence. Often full of angst and inexperience, they are prime targets to utilize the mountains as an escape from other pressure and potential insufferable failures.

I think I have a nice way of side-stepping this remorseless self-doubt and justify my sweet amour. Mountains are never and were never an ends. They are a means for learning, mostly about people. In the mountains I best see myself for who I really am and I am able to better see others for who they truly are. I know what I want to be in large part due to the self-reflection and observation of others I find in the mountains. A little knowledge of yourself and others can go a long way towards happiness.

The rhythm of the days is at work now. I feel no stress or hurry. If only I could take that back to the clutter with me. There is a stream murmuring in the background. Never ending, it might as well be silence. What is silence but timeless noise? Unchanging, the noise just repeats itself again and again. As a small enough interval, it must be silence.

I love that the mountains never change and yet are constantly altered. That a thing can be two seemingly opposing things at once... still yet shifting. A person is similarly aware of only one thing while oblivious to all others. Wonders. It is in contemplating these oppositional harmonies, these self-conflicting consistencies, that make life more than simple analysis and rational choice. They give life its captivating taste. Who needs answer when you have good questions?

I have been wet, tired and happy most of the day.

I sleep tonight under the stars at 11,000 ft with joy.

I love.

Highway 212 - July, 2006

The most vivid image of a place that I possess is that of the Beartooth highway five years ago. I loved camping. I loved the intimacy of the experience, the silliness above all else. But I fell in love with mountains on July 16th of 2001, the final day of the road trip.
Montana highway 212, also known as the Beartooth highway, runs along the Montana-Wyoming border just north of Yellowstone and straight through the Beartooth Mountains. The Beartooths are a spectacular set of mountains. Their most prominent characteristic is the lakes. Rather than draining rapidly, as most every other range I have visited, these mountains retain much of their snow melt in the alpine lakes that dot the landscape. The Beartooths have a consistent whether pattern like many other regions of the Rockies. Energy builds during the morning and afternoon until right before dinner. Then it storms intensely though in patches. Right around sunset things have cooled off enough and calmer whether once again surrounds the mountains. This habit of clearing up around sunset makes the Beartooth highway one of the most uniquely beautiful, awesome and uplifting places to watch the sunset.
As the clouds begin to break, shafts of golden light pierce through the rain clouds to the West. Rain still falls in patches but as the sun's light ebbs through various spectrums it transforms from a dull grey to deep blue, to a pastel purple and then a brilliant pink. The once shadowed mountains erupt into a radiant red speckled by mossy greens and browns. The snowfields emanate pinks and violets in turn. The beauty of the moment is too much. The sky melts into the hills with its patchy rain cloud kisses. The lakes, now completely calm, reflect the scene all around them on their mirrored surfaces.
When I saw this for the first time at 17, I got a lump in my throat for the first time in a couple of years. Seeing it again at 22, I realized that I had fallen in love with mountains at the tender age of 17. Examining my life since then, I could see how I had inadvertently shaped my life around being in mountains. The love never left me, because I never really let myself leave the mountains. Every place I went to had mountains or would give me access to mountains.
Being there again as the leader of a group of 17 year olds was a powerful experience. The scene took their breath away just as it had mine. At first there were a series of "holy shit"s and "oh my fucking-God"s to be heard in the van. But eventually all that non-sense was set aside for the awed silence deserved by the scene. It took our breath away but who needs breathe when there are no words?
This time around we dropped our mouths as a double rainbow appeared around a bend in the road. Shortly after, a red-tailed hawk soared 20 feet in front of us. When we stopped to watch the sun dip below the horizon from a nearby peak one of Ella's girls asked, "Is this what being in love feels like?" It definitely is. It almost started to get a little over the top. The sur-reality did not last long.
Just after dark our collective euphoria shattered as we were flagged down by a desperate-looking woman. She told us that a car had rolled into a ditch and a man was inside. Ella and I sprung into action though remained calm. We grabbed the FAK (first aid kit) in the van and I donned latex gloves. The car had rolled down a scree/grassy slope of 50 degrees or more and was resting on its wheels some 30 feet below the roadway. We proceeded carefully down the treacherous slope to the accident. There a man with a bandana was holding the patient's head to the passenger seat of an old Oldsmobile while applying some pressure to a gash above the eye. Another man was drunk and trying to reassure the patient and be useful. The injured man lay moaning, breathing quickly and laboriously. He repeated "my back" in a most pitiful voice again and again. He asked constantly to be moved, for us to adjust his hips, legs or feet.
At first I took his head and immobilized it. Ella took over for me so I could do an initial assessment. He had no major bleeding so I continued on to the secondary assessment. His pulse was high (124) and weaker than one would like but clearly discernable. The respirations were likewise rapid (34) and uneasy. He seemed on the brink of gasping for air. He had not movement or sensation below the waist.
At this point we simply tried to reassure him and find busy work away from the scene for his well-intention but intoxicated friends. After 15 minutes or so the local town's EMT arrived with an assistant. We told her we were WFRs and gave her all of the information we had gathered up to that point. She had oxygen for the man. There was little else that we could do until more man power and a backboard arrived. Ella calmed him and worked with him to get him to breath from the O2 mask. I kept taking vital. They remained largely steady though far from healthy. Ella and I alternated holding his head stable. We put a C-collar on him.
After a while (perhaps an hour or two, I couldn't really judge) more people and then finally an ambulance arrived. We put the backboard through the rear windshield and down the passenger seat as we lifted the 250 lb man in spine-stable position. Once he was fixed onto the backboard we were able to get him out of the car through the rear-driver-side door.
At this time we asked the 11 campers to help get him up the hill. They simplified and expedited the process immensely. It was hard to walk so we simply made a human chain (like a bucket brigade) up the slope. This was abrupt for the campers as the transition from concerned spectator to active rescuer six inches from a faintly moaning man on a back board with a large deep gash above the eye was sudden.
Once he was loaded into the ambulance the EMT thanked us profusely for our help in the rescue. After 1am we found a campsite and slept and exhausted sleep. A discussion I had with the EMT during our resupply revealed that the victim had sustained the following trauma: laceration to the face, significant bite to the tongue, concussion with regressive memory loss, a punctured lung with several cracked ribs, fractured T-10 and 11 with severe cord damage. He will likely never walk again.
We were all proud of one another for the role we played in getting the job done. The man responded to Ella's voice and practically no other. Without a van full of strong and capable 17 year olds on the scene, it would have been near impossible to move such a large man without dropping him. It made me think a lot about choices like drunk driving and about further instruction in emergency medicine. Had I been powerless in that situation, I would have had a hard time living with myself in the following days. As it was I feel that we made the best of a terrible situation. Become Wilderness First Responders and Don't Drink and Drive. It’s nice when life offers you the chance to make decisions you will never regret.

Here Goes

The Northern Grounds Cafe - Ely, Minnesota

Despite the fact that I have managed to fill a 144 page journal with thoughts mundane, reckless and profound, I have no idea what to write here now. A good place to start is always with events: I graduated college last May. Though I didn't have a career plan or any means of making an honest living lined up, I was not concerned because I had a trip to lead for Widjiwagan this summer. Well the trip was led. During that trip I started journaling again for the first time since ANWR four years ago. And as a result I committed myself to starting an online dialogue with friends and family. Now fall is approaching so-fast too-soon. I have a ticket to Prague for a five week stay that has been rendered somewhat useless. After bumbling around Europe I have a ticket to Kyrgyzstan for mid-October. I return to Europe the 2nd of April and have not planned any further ahead than that.
So that's the gist of life right now. Details are in order and will be forthcoming.