You Can't Do Everything, Just Anything

August 6th - Sadly now, the shadow of the end of the trip has grown tall on the group. We do not constantly talk about it but it feels like time to wrap things up. I am very glad the mountains here are spectacular or it would be hard for us to stay in any way grounded in the present. Though its mostly a mental thing, the reality that we can't eat as much as we want now but soon we will be able to each as much as our stomachs can hold only pushes our concentration towards the van a and the grocery store beyond.

For my part, I have been considering some large-as-life choices in front of me. They boys with me will wrestle with selecting a college and the possibility of going on a 40+ day arctic backpacking trip. I am not even sure which choices I should choose to make. Not, which school? But, do I want more school? Not, can I find a job? But, what job should I look for?

I have thought about med-school, regional expertise, academia, linguistics, wilderness guiding and every combination thereof. Life is too damn short. I could easily fill the lives of four or five people that are wasting theirs… but enough of righteous indignation. I feel the capacity to do anything, I just can’t do everything. Up to now, being a good leader on this trip gave me purpose and identity. Lead a damn good trip; that’s who I was and what I would do. Before that I was a student. Anyway, damn good or now it’s done now. I don’t feel so great at anything right now.

I could try to lead more trips; try to open more people’s eyes to a more substantial, less constructed reality. It seems limiting somehow though, financially as well as professionally. I could travel and learn about people and places to fill in the great gaps in human understanding. But to do that alone daunts me. Medicine attracts me because it’s a sure thing… after you sacrifice the most flexible years of your life and consent to work in the US’s mess up medical regime.

It would seem a wash. Maybe the pre-set paths are too limiting: not enough challenge, too lonely or too much rigidity. Perhaps EMT-level medical knowledge would satiate my thirst for capacity to act in a tough spot. I like the prospect of sharing skills and enlightening perspectives with young people. To merge running a business/NGO with education and foreign cultural experiences really excites me. Something like a fair trade wool cooperative in Patagonia or traditional textile producers in Guatemala or Kyrgyzstan would be so rewarding (probably because the complications would be endless). Sounds like a good idea to me, especially with friends like mine.

Something about the idea however reminds me painfully of schemes to live on a ranch and ride ponies through college professed by Peter Skold’s girlfriend of 13 on our BWCA trip 9 years back.

When I think about my friends though from college, Widji and home I can’t help but feel less anxious about these parental voices in my head. With so many fantastic, talented and motivated people to turn to, I would be hard pressed not to find some amazing projects to apply myself too.

Earlier I wrote, “Waking up each day here is spiritually uplifting (whether on trail, in camp or on the road). The possibilities of everyday for fun, learning and reflection are unrivaled. It’s living each day as if it were your last. There is no better use of my time, especially as I help pass the sensation on to others.”

It is not what you want to do, but how you want to do it, that matters most.