At dinner tonight I threw the big question out there: what brings you back? Despite the fact that I had given the guys notice since day 1 that this question would be coming, I had trouble articulating it in a new way. So I made everyone speak first so I could steal their idea and disguise paraphrase for original authorship. Many of the guys said that on trail they felt free to be themselves, enjoyed the friendliness and getting to know people really well in such a short period (the intimacy). Dan mentioned how the trips give him a sense of unique identity in his inner-city school. Chas spoke to how these trips taught him how to live (the true value of a thing vis-à-vis the superficial pleasure usually derived from material things) and how not to escape life. Following that up, Tom offered that after last year's trail experience he put a sign on his door that reads "Don't Forget to Challenge Yourself Today" (inspired by the Don't Forget to Wash Your Hands' signs in many restrooms). It’s good to see the guys practicing meticulous life-hygiene.
Charlie described a moment of epiphany related to being on trail. He realized that his father owns a small business and yet he knows next to nothing about running it. He wants to learn. It seems obvious but he had to step back to soak up the insight and realize the opportunity and his interest. Trail gave him that insight. It’s amazing the possibilities that linger under our noses all our lives without recognition.
I finally came up with a new way of putting these ideas that describe what trail life has to offer. Trail makes me hungry, for food as well as intellectual and spiritual sustenance. I do my best to eat well on trail, satisfying the cravings is a pleasure like no other. But when I cannot resolve the drive to consume food, facts or philosophy on trail, I am driven to consume when I get off. The rawness of living life constantly in the moment allows "idleness" to reap great rewards. Far from useless, the time to reflect is infectious and addictive among a trail group. I become drive to learn new languages, read books, love music and sharpen my body to do new things. Generally I am driven to live life hard. The feeling that I have great influence over my destiny and that anything is possible in a most inspiring kind of high.
Armed with knowledge, the means, the confidence and will to affect any dream, I will happily be a busy man. But that very busyness is a sham. Stress is our society is most often optional. One only has to look back far enough to see where the decision way made to be overwhelmed. In the blank space of a life, most people have the power to find whatever they want. Why not find happiness?
As long as I was rambling along these lines and circles, Eric asked a fantastic question: "What is it like to spend your summers with highschoolers?"
I replied that young folks (juveniles) are like Jello waiting to set in the mold. Seeing them adapt, change and define themselves is pretty great for a number of reasons. Being around young people that are literally growing in front of your eyes is a powerful reminder that you too are capable of change and growth. Adults, practically by definition, are largely a finished product, static creature. This is not all bad. In fact, in many ways it is necessary. It also is quite limiting... as stability and wisdom becomes stubbornness and habit. Being around youth reminds that I cannot possibly have it all figured out. Consequently I should always assess my beliefs, values interests and goals.
Also, working with younger folks gives me the chance to impart on them some of the beliefs, values, interests and goals that seemed to work alright for me. Finally, there are just the moments of transcendence that occur on trail, especially with younger campers that are simply so beautiful and remarkable that they are justification enough in their own right. The "wow, I have never been somewhere this beautiful," "I never realized how nice silence can be," "when I go home I am going to take on challenges that I intimidated me before" or "I feel like I am not the same person I was before this trip. I changed. I can't say how, but I feel it." I have heard kids say each of those things. Each is so powerful (and to say it to a guy you have only known for a week!) that I would not miss the opportunity for anything.
So these things bring me joy. I feel such ecstasy of purpose and contentment that my whole life and the whole world feel alright.
I will sleep outside tonight. I think coffee makes me corny. Tonight I had 3 cups.
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